Long time, no blog

It has been such a long time since I have had the time - or the interest to do any 'real' blogging. Life seems to speed along and no sooner does one week begin that Friday comes rushing along....and another week goes by and I haven't updated the blog.

That and we have had so much emotional stuff going on that sometimes it all feels too hard to write about, but I need to, this is a snippet of our lives, a memory for us......

So here goes.....

August was a pretty ordinary month.

At the end of July we found out that we were having another baby. Hooray! It is always a bit of a bitter sweet feeling. We are always excited about the prospect of a new baby, but also filled with a fair bit of apprehension & nervousness - having already lost 3 babies, the first 12 weeks is a massive journey for us. I have this continual dialogue going on in my head...."Don't get to excited, you know how heartbreaking it is when it all goes pear-shaped" blah, blah, blah. My head is a rather dark and miserable place sometimes!

Anyway, just prior to 8 weeks we went to see Dr Pat, our amazing Obstetrician. He has been with us for our Anencephaly Angel, the birth of SuperJarvis and our miscarriage in January this year. So he was pretty pleased to see us back again. He reckons we owe the world more beautiful babies. So after all the general chit chat and congratualtions we headed into the room for a scan, just to confirm dates and check that everything was going well and unfortunately it wasn't......

At 8 weeks the babies heartbeat was way too slow. At first Dr Pat thought that I had the dates wrong, that would have made sense. That would have explained why the baby was so small and why the heartbeat was so slow. So, of couse, I did the calculations in my head again, and for a brief moment I thought I had got it wrong, my heart almost stopped, but I realised I hadn't.

So basically we had to wait a week for the baby's heart to stop beating completely and it did. I went to hospital, I said goodbye to our baby and I cried. When I finally got home I cuddled my babies, I buried my face their hair and breathed deeply, I cried. I was thankful for what I already had, I was sad for what we had lost and  I cried.  I cried and I ate copious amounts of chocolate.

Chocolate makes the world an infinitely better place......

p-xxx-