Thankful Thursday

Today I'm a linking in with "Kate says Stuff" and her Thankful Thursday......it's nice to be reminded to stop, think & be thankful whether it be big, small or in-between.......



I've got lots to be thankful this week...we've managed to sell a couple of our cars. One is just a car & the other a much loved project that was started before children! She has been part of our lives for such a long time that watching her heading off on the back of a truck this afternoon is actually going to be emotional....so many ideals, memories and 'what-ifs' tied up in that old girl.....So, our dear old girl, as we wave you farewell this afternoon know that we will always remember you fondly, miss you deeply & reminisce often. Drive safe & proud and we hope that our roads can cross again one day....



I am thankful that we had the opportunity, the time and the money to take on a project like this when we did. But I am also thankful now that she has been sold, the money is much needed and the stress of driving her makes your heart feel like it is leaping out of your chest - I won't miss that feeling!

I am truly thankful that we drove her sporadically for many years without incident.

But today's thankful is simple.....everyday my big little girl heads of to 3 year old kinder I hand write a note to go in her fruit snack box. It says the same thing every time "I love you to the stars and back".


Today she pulled the note off her snack and stuck it down her top so, as she explained, "It will be close to my heart and when I am missing you I can just touch it and know you love me to the starts and back."

Yup, I cried!

Thankful for so much on a Thursday, but for these things particularly today!

All set to leave tomorrow

All set for WA

Thankful Thursday

I've never done a link up post before and I've been meaning to get brave and give it a go - so here it is -

It’s funny, but I have had a post kind of rolling around in my head all afternoon about being thankful and then I came across this tweet Just turned down a few hundred $$ ad space for a formula company. I feel.. broke. But very OK with that. #BreastIsNormal  and it made my blood boil.  For a whole range of reasons…..

When I had my first baby I had no idea that breastfeeding would and could be so difficult, so painful and honestly, so totally heartbreaking.  I gave it my all, my everything - and me, my body, I failed my baby – and I had failed the expectations that society had placed on me. 

While I was in hospital, I asked for help.  I had lots of people come to give advice, all of it different, some of it conflicting, but all of it welcomed.  The nurses wheeled an expressing machine into my room and hooked my up, but got nothing.  They hand expressed me to gather the colostrum that is so vital to life – that was painful and humiliating.  Then my girl developed jaundice and we had to supplement feed her, we had to keep fluids running through her kidneys.  I cried, buckets.  They made me feel so guilty for giving her something ‘manufactured’.  Then her jaundice got so bad, her Bilirubin levels  so high that she had to spend a couple of days under lights.  I kept trying to feed, everyone kept telling me it would get easier.  I was bruised,  I was cracked, I was literally bleeding every time I tried to express. 

We were sent home from hospital with baby who wasn’t feeding, with nothing to supplement feed her with and I had the beginnings of my first case of mastitis…..

I had already contacted support agencies, on Mother’s Day I spent the morning on the couch with a lactation consultant ,this was my second session with her  and still it didn’t get easier and the pain didn’t subside.  But after a round of antibiotics the mastitis had eased.

I kept persisting, because, as is constantly bombarding us “Breast is best”.  I gave my baby tiny bits of breast milk followed a top up formula feed.

My maternal health nurse, the person who was meant to provide me with the support that I need, she failed.  She just kept telling me that I wasn’t trying hard enough, that I just had to persist, so I did.  For hours a day I sat hooked up to an expressing machine.  Sometimes for an hour at a time, sometimes if I was really lucky I would gather 50mls in that sitting.  Not even enough for one feed.  As I persisted with the “Breast is best” I became more and more guilt ridden that I couldn’t give my baby the best start to life and then the depression kicked in.  I was so sad, in the most basic sense of mothering, I was a failure….and then my regular Maternal Health Nurse went on holidays…..and my life changed.

I had a very frank and honest discussion with the Health Nurse “why was I persisting with the breast feeding”’ “if It was making me so sad, was it really the best thing for my baby” “when she stands up at graduation or her 21^st are people going to know that she was not breast fed?” No, what they will know is that she had amazing parents that tried their all to provide her with what she needed when she needed it.  At that time in her life she need colostrum, I done that bit and now she needed her Mum that loved her to bits and was actually a pretty good mum. 

So despite what my Health nurse said I did try my hardest.  I persisted for the first 3 months of my gorgeous girl’s life.  I persisted through bruised, cracked and bleeding nipples.  I persisted through 3 cases of mastitis. I persisted through 3 months of dark miserable feelings of inadequacy and then I stopped……

And then I felt so much better……

So what am I thankful for......

• I am thankful that there were services in place to help me when I needed it. 

• I am thankful that my Maternal Health nurse went on holidays and even more thankful that she was replaced by someone much more compassionate and supportive than she was.

 

• I am thankful that despite not being breastfed, my children are beautiful, clever, amazing and totally light up my life

 

• I am thankful for  my husband’s strength and support.

 

• And then I guess that I am thankful for formula, because clearly I can’t do what is “NORMAL”.

 

• With my second baby, I tried the whole breast thing again, clearly it wasn’t going to work.  I had the most ridiculous case of mastitis when he was 3 days old – I hadn’t even left hospital – I am so thankful that I had the foresight to know what was happening.

 

• I am thankful that I could make a decision about not breastfeeding quickly 

 

• I am thankful that I had had previous experience with feeling guilt ridden, I knew how sad and guilty I would feel.  I knew that if I had to feed in public I would hide somewhere to give him his bottle so society wouldn’t judge me.  I was thankful that I knew that all this would eventually pass.

 

• I’m thankful that I had the opportunity to try and feed my babies and even more thankful that I had other ways to nourish my them

 

• But most of all I am thankful for my family, my amazing, strong, committed husband and our 2 beautiful, happy, healthy children

Making sandcastles

Woke up to find our girl playing dressups. Cute.

Miekes painting

Tough day in the garden

Who you callin pumpkinhead?

Pumpkinheads

Bunnings

Bunnings

Mum training

Ride to the lake

Ride to the lake.

Mieksie's writing

Hot chocca moustacca

Celebrating Sammy's Birthday

Keek!

Shopping at pacific fair

Gold coast

Hols

August continued.....

...so the week after our week from hell, my parent had their own.  My Dad, Fossil, was diagnosed with cancer.  Although I'm not sure of all the terminology there were some words that kept racing around my head...'inoperable', 'chemotherapy', 'radiation', 'surgery', 'major surgery'.  These words are being chased away by some other more positive words 'Professor', 'oncologist', 'successful', 'private health insurance' - thankfully my parents have that!

Fossil has just finished his first round of chemo - so far so good.

It's funny - I don't believe in God, I don't believe there is a plan for us all, I don't believe in heaven.  I'm pragmatic, realistic, but just every now and then I occasionally wish there was something I could pray to.  I wish that something could undo all the bad, I wish something could take away all the pain and hurt and sad.....but then I think that if there was a god, in the way that the Christian's believe there is, one that is omnipotent, one that has a plan for all of us - why the hell would he choose to put us through shit like this? Then I remember that this is one of the main reasons I don't believe......that, and I reckon it's all a giant crock!

Long time, no blog

It has been such a long time since I have had the time - or the interest to do any 'real' blogging. Life seems to speed along and no sooner does one week begin that Friday comes rushing along....and another week goes by and I haven't updated the blog.

That and we have had so much emotional stuff going on that sometimes it all feels too hard to write about, but I need to, this is a snippet of our lives, a memory for us......

So here goes.....

August was a pretty ordinary month.

At the end of July we found out that we were having another baby. Hooray! It is always a bit of a bitter sweet feeling. We are always excited about the prospect of a new baby, but also filled with a fair bit of apprehension & nervousness - having already lost 3 babies, the first 12 weeks is a massive journey for us. I have this continual dialogue going on in my head...."Don't get to excited, you know how heartbreaking it is when it all goes pear-shaped" blah, blah, blah. My head is a rather dark and miserable place sometimes!

Anyway, just prior to 8 weeks we went to see Dr Pat, our amazing Obstetrician. He has been with us for our Anencephaly Angel, the birth of SuperJarvis and our miscarriage in January this year. So he was pretty pleased to see us back again. He reckons we owe the world more beautiful babies. So after all the general chit chat and congratualtions we headed into the room for a scan, just to confirm dates and check that everything was going well and unfortunately it wasn't......

At 8 weeks the babies heartbeat was way too slow. At first Dr Pat thought that I had the dates wrong, that would have made sense. That would have explained why the baby was so small and why the heartbeat was so slow. So, of couse, I did the calculations in my head again, and for a brief moment I thought I had got it wrong, my heart almost stopped, but I realised I hadn't.

So basically we had to wait a week for the baby's heart to stop beating completely and it did. I went to hospital, I said goodbye to our baby and I cried. When I finally got home I cuddled my babies, I buried my face their hair and breathed deeply, I cried. I was thankful for what I already had, I was sad for what we had lost and  I cried.  I cried and I ate copious amounts of chocolate.

Chocolate makes the world an infinitely better place......

p-xxx-

Getting the girl ready to say goodbye.

Watering the vegies

Icecream circus with fossil

Orange bowling

Uh oh mum

Seedlings

Miekes seeds ready to plant out.

Jarvis has his first haircut

Hothouse - soon to be solar powered...

We are getting ready to hook up a small solar panel and lights that will provide about another hour of light into the evening to keep the vegies growing. We're heading into summer but we might was well try it out.

What we have planted so far is going great guns though!

The chief goes to Roller Derby

95% determination, 5% duct tape.

Just a little bit of mess in the bathroom

Some fireworks in the night sky.....

Now I'm a crazy clown with my tongue sticking out....

...and now a tiger.....