The VanDemons: November 2011

I've never done a link up post before and I've been meaning to get brave and give it a go - so here it is -

It’s funny, but I have had a post kind of rolling around in my head all afternoon about being thankful and then I came across this tweet Just turned down a few hundred $$ ad space for a formula company. I feel.. broke. But very OK with that. #BreastIsNormal and it made my blood boil. For a whole range of reasons…..

When I had my first baby I had no idea that breastfeeding would and could be so difficult, so painful and honestly, so totally heartbreaking. I gave it my all, my everything - and me, my body, I failed my baby – and I had failed the expectations that society had placed on me.

While I was in hospital, I asked for help. I had lots of people come to give advice, all of it different, some of it conflicting, but all of it welcomed. The nurses wheeled an expressing machine into my room and hooked my up, but got nothing. They hand expressed me to gather the colostrum that is so vital to life – that was painful and humiliating. Then my girl developed jaundice and we had to supplement feed her, we had to keep fluids running through her kidneys. I cried, buckets. They made me feel so guilty for giving her something ‘manufactured’. Then her jaundice got so bad, her Bilirubin levels so high that she had to spend a couple of days under lights. I kept trying to feed, everyone kept telling me it would get easier. I was bruised, I was cracked, I was literally bleeding every time I tried to express.

We were sent home from hospital with baby who wasn’t feeding, with nothing to supplement feed her with and I had the beginnings of my first case of mastitis…..

I had already contacted support agencies, on Mother’s Day I spent the morning on the couch with a lactation consultant ,this was my second session with her and still it didn’t get easier and the pain didn’t subside. But after a round of antibiotics the mastitis had eased.

I kept persisting, because, as is constantly bombarding us “Breast is best”. I gave my baby tiny bits of breast milk followed a top up formula feed.

My maternal health nurse, the person who was meant to provide me with the support that I need, she failed. She just kept telling me that I wasn’t trying hard enough, that I just had to persist, so I did. For hours a day I sat hooked up to an expressing machine. Sometimes for an hour at a time, sometimes if I was really lucky I would gather 50mls in that sitting. Not even enough for one feed. As I persisted with the “Breast is best” I became more and more guilt ridden that I couldn’t give my baby the best start to life and then the depression kicked in. I was so sad, in the most basic sense of mothering, I was a failure….and then my regular Maternal Health Nurse went on holidays…..and my life changed.

I had a very frank and honest discussion with the Health Nurse “why was I persisting with the breast feeding”’ “if It was making me so sad, was it really the best thing for my baby” “when she stands up at graduation or her 21^st are people going to know that she was not breast fed?” No, what they will know is that she had amazing parents that tried their all to provide her with what she needed when she needed it. At that time in her life she need colostrum, I done that bit and now she needed her Mum that loved her to bits and was actually a pretty good mum.

So despite what my Health nurse said I did try my hardest. I persisted for the first 3 months of my gorgeous girl’s life. I persisted through bruised, cracked and bleeding nipples. I persisted through 3 cases of mastitis. I persisted through 3 months of dark miserable feelings of inadequacy and then I stopped……

And then I felt so much better……

So what am I thankful for......

I am thankful that there were services in place to help me when I needed it.

I am thankful that my Maternal Health nurse went on holidays and even more thankful that she was replaced by someone much more compassionate and supportive than she was.

I am thankful that despite not being breastfed, my children are beautiful, clever, amazing and totally light up my life

I am thankful for my husband’s strength and support.

And then I guess that I am thankful for formula, because clearly I can’t do what is “NORMAL”.

With my second baby, I tried the whole breast thing again, clearly it wasn’t going to work. I had the most ridiculous case of mastitis when he was 3 days old – I hadn’t even left hospital – I am so thankful that I had the foresight to know what was happening.

I am thankful that I could make a decision about not breastfeeding quickly

I am thankful that I had had previous experience with feeling guilt ridden, I knew how sad and guilty I would feel. I knew that if I had to feed in public I would hide somewhere to give him his bottle so society wouldn’t judge me. I was thankful that I knew that all this would eventually pass.